The List

The main topic of conversation in my apartment, especially lately, is for sure Men.

My roommates and I talk about guys we are dating, guys we wish we were dating, guys we shouldn't be dating. We talk about what we want, what most women want, what we don't want, what we think men want, what we wish men wanted. We have talked about the difference between men and boys and how we wish there were more men in the world and how we are grateful for the few real men out there who actually treat you the way you want to be treated. Sometimes we share stories about the "boys" we have dated and the stupidness that was. Those are fun stories...

We talk about how dumb girls are and how all girls just want a 'bad boy' ...which is totally not true!! We talk about how mad it makes us when stupid girls date amazing guys and how we wish we were dating those amazing guys. We talk about awesome girls who are dating jerks and how she can do so much better. Girls seriously can be sooo dumb sometimes. 

I decided that I needed to publicly share with all men, women, boys, and girls, The List that I have came up to determine if you should date or keep dating someone. Both of my lists can and should go both ways. Change she to he and it becomes the husband list. Easy. Some of these are my own ideas and others are things I have happened upon that I really liked. Now, I'm no relationship expert obviously, but I have had successful relationships. (Yes you can have successful relationships even if they don't lead to marriage.) 

Don't worry this is nothing like the list I made up when I was in Beehives.

For men:

The Wife List

She shares your beliefs

When it comes to finding your wife you should be “equally yoked.”  Your potential wife should have the same beliefs you have. 

She makes you a better man

If everyday is hell with her, that should be a red flag. Your potential wife should elevate you to Yourself 2.0. You can get a good idea from your friends and family. Do they say you act differently in a bad way when you are around her? Not a good sign.  She should bring out the best in you, not bring out heartache and frayed nerves.

She’s trustworthy

In fact, she should inspire trustworthiness within you. If there’s good reason not to trust her, don’t even go there. 

She has ambition

She should have strength in character and carry herself with confidence. As a man, you should be the leader in the relationship. You probably don’t want the consummate follower either. She should have plans too. In fact, she should be a hard worker just like you. That doesn’t mean having a job is a requirement. Being a stay at home mom is in my opinion the best thing a woman can do.

She’s selfless

She should care about others. Look at the way she treats her family and her friends. If she’s not close with her family, and doesn’t have any good friends, that’s not a good sign. If you start dating her, much less marry her, you will discover why soon enough. 

She’s attractive

In your eyes, she should be a “10.” I’ve dated “hot” guys who ended up being downright ugly by the time we ended things. Personality plays into attractiveness big-time. Just remember, “charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting.” She should be beautiful down to her soul because that kind of beauty lasts forever.

She’s smart

Believe me - I know how important physical attraction is to a relationship. But, believe me when I say that it’s not the most important thing, when you’re talking long term. A woman who truly keeps your attention, makes you excited to see her, or just talk to her – every day – is one worth holding onto. An intelligent, well-spoken, witty, funny woman with killer looks, granted is hard to come by – but, who are you to settle for less than you deserve? Nobody, that’s who. You’re going to be spending a lot of time with her, so she should be able to hold a good conversation. She should be wise, smart, and give you good advice. Her women’s intuition should be strong. 

She loves you unconditionally

If she’s trying to change you to be another person, it’s time to move on. Your future wife should love you just as you are, regardless of anything you’ve done in your past. There will be minor adjustments along the way, but if she nags you about your core characteristics, it won’t get any better in marriage.

She’s responsible

Does she remember appointments and meetings? Does she flake all of the time? She should already do a good job of managing her own life. If she’s got loads of debt and doesn’t work, you’re going to be taking all of that on. Ultimately, she will have some part in your financial well-being, and guess what? Finances remain one of the leading causes of divorce.

She gets along with your family and friends

If she doesn’t even try to connect with your family and/or friends, let her go. She shouldn’t be critical of the people who you love and have been loyal to you throughout your life. There might be cases where your mom doesn’t like your future wife, and that may require your intervention; but in general, she should be a good fit with the people in your life. Marriage is a joining of two lives that existed prior to meeting the other person.

She doesn’t look for attention

The women who don’t look for attention, are precisely the women you should be giving your attention to. Girls who are always looking for compliments or to be noticed, are often insecure and looking to overcompensate. What’s more – is that they’re likely more concerned about their own happiness, than they would be about yours.

Women who are content with their own self confidence and don’t look elsewhere for validation, shine from within and will add to your life. The last thing you need is to be a placeholder for a girl who is just seeking something anyone else can give her. This doesn't provide any sort of foundation for a solid relationship.

She is comfortable in any situation

Let’s face it, when you’re dating somebody, you’re not alone with them all the time. It’s important to be able to live a full life with them by your side. This means family events, outings with friends, double dates, movie nights on the couch… Not to mention, the activities brought forth by similar interests – which you both should have!

If you truly like a girl and feel comfortable bringing her to any social event and leaving her alone if you need to go talk to someone or grab a drink – then she should get major bonus points.

She doesn't start petty arguments

In a healthy relationship, two people should be able to work out their differences via mature conversation and discussion. This does not mean bringing up nonsensical past issues or dwelling on small events that they’ve been emotionally harboring, waiting for the right time to unleash.

A mature woman won’t throw the past in your face or use it as ammunition against you, especially if she has already forgiven you for your mistakes.

She encourages you

Even the best accomplishments in life seem to lose their luster when there is nobody to share them with. Your significant other should be one of, if not THE first, person you want to tell exciting news to.

Does she get excited about things in your life, even if she doesn't have personal interest in them? Does she stand behind you, and encourage you to chase your goals and dreams? If so, you have found a teammate worth holding onto.

She puts in effort for you.

Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as keeping her hair done to look good for you. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.

If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.

You can laugh together.

Seriously, how big is this one? Simple, but so important. Laughing is my favorite thing in the whole world. I want to spend the rest of my life laughing. But life can get you down. Work, bills, obligations – your relationship shouldn't be something on that list. Your girlfriend should also be your best friend who you can do anything with, and have fun doing it.

If they drag you down, it’s time for a change.

You can cry together.

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Times get tough, things get hard, and we all need a support system.

Is she there for you when you need her? Are you there for her? If your support is not reciprocated by her, then you need to find someone who understands the importance of your feelings, too.

You have similar views for the future.

I know, the future is way off. It’s a scary place, but it’s still there. If you’re in a solid, committed relationship, it’s important to understand where both of you see yourselves, and the relationship – going.

For women:

The Real Men List

A real man values more than just your looks

Is every compliment from him about a different body part? It doesn’t matter how creative he can be, if a guy’s sole focus is on how you look, or ‘talking dirty,’ see it as a red flag. A real man will value your personality, your kindness, your intelligence, and who you are as a person, in general. The things he makes you feel good about will be things that you control, not just results of getting lucky in the gene pool.

A real man will never be intimidated by your motivation

A man who has goals for himself, will want to be with a woman who has goals for her own life, too. He will never feel intimidated or threatened by a woman who goes after what she wants. He will want to be part of a power couple, rather than a dictatorship. Be mindful of anyone who tries to keep you from pursuing your dreams.

A real man will have more interests than just you

I don’t mean this in a negative way. You should, of course, be a priority in his life – but he needs to have a life as well. Interests, friends, hobbies, aspirations. If a man works his entire life around you, it’s another red flag – relationships should be a great part of your life, but not encompass your whole life.

A real man will give you answers

No matter how awkward or uncomfortable a situation is, a real man will approach it, and you, with respect. I have always felt that a mark of a man is how he handles conflict, criticism, and less-than-ideal situations. A man will not dance around answers or make excuses. If there is something you two need to talk about, he will talk about it.

A real man is direct

In addition to the last point – there will be no mind games or manipulation in your relationship. A man will be direct, to the point, and honest with you…but with kindness.

A real man will trust you

As long as you haven’t betrayed his trust, a man will NOT be paranoid, or snoop around invading your privacy to make sure you’re not doing anything bad. He will have confidence in your relationship. A boy will project his own insecurities onto you, and like termites in a house, will eat away at the foundation of what you’ve built.

A real man is cool, calm, and collected

It should be understood that part of what comes with the territory of having a girlfriend, is dealing with her getting hit on. If you’re out together, or if she’s out with her friends, it goes without saying that your girlfriend will get hit on every once in awhile.

Instead of letting his primate instincts prevail and beating his chest like an angry gorilla to scare off competition, a confident man will calmly make his position known, and understand that you’re still going home with him at the end of the night.

A real man will show you respect

Nothing signifies an empty shell of a man more than someone who disrespects women, elderly, or children. A real man will treat you with the respect that you deserve, never force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, and never mistreat you. Be honest enough with yourself to walk away from any situation that is dangerous to you, physically or emotionally.

If a man whistles at you, do not respond. You are a lady, not a dog.

A real man will put effort into your relationship

Boys are generally apathetic and just look for one thing from a woman. A man, will do what it takes to make you happy. Your happiness, is his reward.

A real man will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are

A man will empower those around him. He will strive for greatness and therefore inspire others to strive for it as well. This not only includes friends and co-workers, but also significant others.

If you do have one of these men in your life, make sure he knows he is appreciated.

I get extremely frustrated with girls/guys who date stupid girls/guys. There are amazing people out there. PLEASE show yourself some respect and date those who respect you.

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU

love, ash