Saturday, December 7, 2013


"Sometimes you're 23 and standing in the kitchen 
of your house making breakfast and listening to 
music that for some reason is really getting to your heart.
You're just standing there thinking about going to work and running errands.
And also more exciting things like books you're reading 
and trips you plan on taking 
and relationships that are springing into existence. 
Or fading from your memory,
which is far less exciting.
And suddenly you just don't feel at home in your house
and you just want home but "mom's" probably 
wouldn't feel like home anymore either.
There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone
and ears that listened everyday and arms that 
were never for anyone else.
But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in 
a five minute period where nostalgia is too much 
and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign.
When you realize that you'll never be this young again
but this is the first time you've ever been this old.
When you can't remember how you got from sixteen to here
and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now.
The song is over.
The breakfast is done.
You're going to breath in and out.
You're going to be fine in about five minutes."

Today is my 23rd birthday. 
The age I have been dreading since the beginning of time.
 For some reason 23 is an awkward number. You are no longer a fun young 22 year old, but you aren't quite at the same level as a more mature 24 year old. It's weird. An in between stage. 
Or maybe I just don't like odd numbers. 
23 means that I am moving on. 
Stepping into the unknown.

I don't really like birthdays. 
Too much pressure to have the best day of your life.
It really is always just another day for me. 

And I am feeling very nostalgic about life today. 

It's probably because I move Wednesday. 5 days. Will I ever come back to Logan? 
Will I always live in Salt Lake? Will I like Salt Lake? 
I started packing up my stuff but I just can't get myself to finish.
I have lived in Logan for just over 4 years now, and the same apartment for 2 1/2 of those years!
I don't even know what of the crap in this place is mine anymore.

I know I will miss my friends here, but will they miss me?
Sometimes I feel like I put more into friendships than others do and they become one sided relationships.

I also miss my family today. 
My family goes to Las Vegas every year over my 
birthday for the National Finals Rodeo,
and since I am not big into rodeos I usually never go. 
This year I wish I would have.
Or maybe I just need a good mom hug. Ya know what I mean?
The kind that lets you know that you are truly loved and you always will be?

Ya know what is great though? 
Best friends that bring you kneaders french toast, and make your favorite cookies, and buy you an at home marijuana drug test kit, and make you wear a crown on your birthday.
Great friends. 

Life happens too quickly. I would love to slow down time.
It isn't going to happen though so you better enjoy what time you have.

I have a birthday resolution to throw everything I have into the next adventure of my life. For so long I have felt like when I leave Logan I would be leaving a piece of myself here, and I am.
My college years and the friendships and memories I have made here will always be a part of me. But that doesn't mean that wherever I go from now on I won't go with everything I have. I am more excited than ever to move on and take the next step of life!

So Happy Birthday to me!! I have a lot of celebrating to do today and truly am grateful I get to spend my big 23 with those I care most about. 

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart"

love, ash