Sunday, April 27, 2014

The playlist to my life

Skinny love - Birdy   
Human – Christina Perri 
I choose you – Sara Bareillas 

I go through stages in life with my music. When I come across a song that I love I can listen to it over and over again for weeks. Eventually I get sick of it and move on but I will still always love that song.

I’m not a music guru. I can’t name songs and artists or albums, but I love music.
I let it wash over me and take me in.
I listen to songs that express my feelings for me.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I struggle expressing my feelings. I have a hard time articulating how I feel and letting people see my vulnerable side.
I build walls and I don’t let very many people in.
I hold in my fears, my hopes, and my dreams.
I am afraid to share them.
What if people judge me? What if my feelings aren’t reciprocated? What if people think I am crazy?
Who cares?
I do.

Sometimes when I listen to music I don’t even notice the lyrics, it is the music and the notes that touch my heart. Do you ever take a song and subconsciously associate it to your life even if what it is saying really doesn’t match up?

Maybe it’s just me.

This blog is one of the few places I can actually let out my feelings.
I also write a lot of letters to people, most the time I never send them.
 I should.
They would probably appreciate knowing how I feel about them,
I know I would.

Writing is the one way I can let it all out.
Probably because I get to write and rewrite until I am happy with it. I get to make it perfect.
This blog is far from perfect, I am far from perfect. But I am happy with it. When I finally post I have wrote and rewrote so many times that I know my feelings are articulated the way I want them to be, even if it doesn’t make sense. I at least got them out.

Real life conversations are hard for me. 
People see the emotion and struggle on my face and sometimes I feel like you can see straight into my soul.
Unfortunately for me, my feelings are plastered on my forehead. I am not hard to read. My closest friends know when something is wrong long before I say anything.

To them I am grateful.

They make it easier for me to express myself.

A few months ago I wrote a post about change and how it is the one constant in my life.
Do you ever feel like life is moving too fast and you can’t keep up?
Or it is constantly changing in ways that you don’t want it to?
The worst is when you have to actively make a change that you don’t want to make.

I constantly dream up what I think are perfect scenarios for my life.
These scenarios usually involve other people changing their dreams for me.
That doesn’t seem very fair to everyone else.
I would never want someone to ask me to change for them,
Why should anyone ever change for me?
They shouldn’t.

We are given this life to be tested.
It wouldn’t be a real test if we were tested within our comfort zone.

I appreciate those who push me out of my comfort zone.
Those are the people who truly care about me.
We should be pushing each other more don’t ya think?
Shouldn’t we help those we care most about to reach their full potential?

If you are familiar with the 4 songs I listed up top you will notice a theme.
 If you don’t know it off hand you will have to listen to all of them and figure it out.

Every song gets to me in a little bit of a different way but in the end it all comes down to trying.
Trying to be a better person and realizing that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes.

(If you are a guy quit reading here this next part will make you uncomfortable)

As a girl I think we have this overwhelming desire to love someone.
This also may just be a feeling I have.
Anyway so I have this feeling right.

I love love.
I love to love.
I love to be loved.

Get it?
Most of the above playlist also has this focus on loving someone.
I love love songs. Go figure huh?

Is it honestly that bad that I really just want to love someone who actually loves me back?
To make myself feel better I am going to say:
 no it is not bad.

I’m not a crazy girl that only thinks about being married all the time.
I promise.

But I do think about love a lot and what love means.
I think everyone has a different opinion on love.
I’m not entirely sure what it all means to me.
I haven’t figured it out yet I don’t think. 
Every relationship I am in, it seems to mean something a little different.
Probably because I am a different person with each new relationship.
 I have grown and changed.

Maybe that is why we have relationships,
to change us for the better. To make us grow.

It makes sense. 
Life is all about growing and becoming a better person.

I know that I have learned something from every guy I have been in a relationship with. 

I hope they have all learned something from me too.